The 3 Cs to live and lead by...

Chocolate!

Coffee!

Cake!

I’m joking of course! Although to be honest, these have been comforting companions over the years.

But today I’m thinking about another set of Cs that have been very much on my mind lately…

Compassion

Courage

Connection

You might be familiar with Zig Ziglar’s quote about the 3 Cs of life. You know the one? You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.

Well I took the liberty a few years back of identifying my own 3 Cs and setting the intention that l would practise compassion, courage and connection each day. It started as a fun exercise within a peer support group and became an important part of my healing as I recovered from burnout.

Burnout didn’t happen overnight…it had crept up on me slowly, without me realising. I had been in my first leadership role and my initial enthusiasm had quickly given way to self-doubt and anxieties about not being good enough for the job. I was struggling to manage a team member who had previously been a mate and had also applied for the position I now had. As is often the case in public services, we were under-resourced and constantly expected to do more with less. I was working longer and longer hours, with little time for rest and relaxation in the evening, and when I did go to bed, I was often tossing and turning, worrying about some work issue. Eventually, the overwhelm had left me unable to function and I was off work for several months.

In the peer support group, I reflected on the multitude of red flags that had tried to tip me off as to where I was heading…

-       Not being able to focus and concentrate

-       Procrastinating

-       Constant fatigue

-       Palpitations

-       Waking up each morning with a sense of dread

-       Constantly checking and re-checking my work

-       Increasing sense of hopelessness and feeling trapped

-       Feeling a failure

 I had ignored these signs of course, digging myself deeper and deeper into the abyss as I desperately tried to cling on and pretend, even to my closest friends, that all was well.

The 3 Cs were an attempt at identifying some ground rules that would support my recovery. Although we didn’t use the term self-care at the time, the 3 Cs were of course all about learning to care for myself and maintaining physical and mental wellness.         

So how did the 3 Cs change how I lived and led? And how might compassion, courage and connection show up for me?

First I have to confess I don’t always get the 3 Cs right! I’m a work in progress and I do better on some days than others. And I keep persisting…because progress is what matters and not perfection!

Compassion – Fully committing to the concept of progress not perfection has been hard for me! Learning to accept I’m not perfect and don’t have to be, has been a significant challenge over the years. In the role that led to burnout, I expected perfection from myself and anything less meant I had failed. Ironically, I was ok with my team making mistakes or coming up short. I was supportive and empathetic, reminding them mistakes were an opportunity to learn and grow. And yet I couldn’t extend this understanding to myself. 

I now refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist and accept I’m on a journey; although I have made much progress, the default-setting is still about wanting all my work to be perfect. This is where compassion comes in. Instead of relentlessly judging myself when I come up short, I practise self-compassion and extend to myself the same understanding, acceptance and kindness I do to others. And I celebrate the small wins! This includes celebrating the occasions I desperately want to be perfect and am willing to let go of this for the sake of my wellbeing.

Courage - Being courageous enables me to do and say things despite my fears. As a new leader, I was afraid of upsetting my team and wanted to avoid conflict. So I sometimes didn’t speak up when I wanted to. This meant a couple of team members initially got away with bad behaviour that impacted negatively on the team. In later roles, saying what needed to be said not only established my authority, it boosted team morale and, ultimately, productivity. Team members respected the fact I didn’t shy away from having difficult conversations and was always fair and balanced in my decisions, even if they didn’t particularly like the decision.

Acting courageously doesn’t mean I’ve addressed all my fears. It means I’m willing to accept my vulnerabilities and take action that is aligned with my core values and my vision, even while it scares the living daylights out of me. Writing blogposts, and being authentic about my leadership journey, is a good example. It raises many anxieties and I feel totally exposed. I’m sharing events that caused much angst and pain at the time. I’m sharing information that won’t always present me in the best light.

And yet, share I must!  

Because when a new leader comes to me for coaching and opens up about the fears and anxieties that keep them awake at 3 am, they need to know I understand…

I get it.

I’ve been there.

Only when I’m willing to be vulnerable, can we connect at that deep level where trust forms and transformational coaching takes place.

Connection - The Year of Burnout was a lonely one. Not because I didn’t have people around me. I did.

I was lonely because I was engaging with people at a superficial level. I played the various social roles assigned to me, including that of daughter, friend, sister and colleague. But I was emotionally disconnected from those around me…hiding behind a mask, afraid of showing them the truth of who I believed I was…not good enough.

Without doubt, this emotional detachment accelerated the downward spiral.  

It was within the safety of the peer support group I gradually let my guard down and started expressing myself. I listened to others and allowed myself to be seen and heard in all my messy glory! And as trust grew and deep connections were formed, I started to heal…slowly but surely.

I learnt then how important human connection is and how my sanity depended on being connected.

I now actively seek and nurture connections with like-minded individuals, sharing our joys and sorrows, being authentic about who we are and honest about our fears, foibles, hopes and desires. I am deeply honoured and privileged to be connected in this way with many heart-centred people across the globe who have one purpose that drives them – to make a difference!

Such connections are life-affirming and bring a smile to face now as I think of them!

So these are my 3 Cs. And I’m curious…

If you had to come up with 3 Cs for yourself, what would you choose? And why?

Look forward to hearing from you!

Khairun