My prerequisites to worthiness, before I realised I was worthy just as I was...

* I'll be worthy when I'm slim

* I'll be worthy when I'm married

* I'll be worthy when I get another qualification

* I'll be worthy when I have a better job

*I'll be worthy when I earn more money

* I'll be worthy if I can make everyone happy

* I'll be worthy if I don't express my anger

* I'll be worthy if I'm nice to everyone

* I'll be worthy if I never say No

* I'll be worthy if I'm perfect

Brene Brown reminds us that worthiness has no prerequisites and we are worthy just as we are.

But I'll be honest - I found this pretty hard to believe when I first heard Brene speak.

The message I had internalised over the years was that my worth had to be earned. Growing up, I had no innate sense of self-worth. I was raised in an environment where love and acceptance were conditional. Love was expressed when I was good. So I learnt very early that to be loved and accepted, I had to be good. Better still, I had to be perfect!

And I learnt that my value and worth depended not on who I was but on how I was.

The result?

Instead of valuing myself for just being me, I believed that my worth was based on something outside of me - it was based on how I performed...how I behaved.

And how was I to behave to earn this sense of worthiness?

Well the messages were loud and clear - be clever, be thin, be pretty, be selfless, be silent, be responsible, be obedient, be good...

Be Perfect!

Believing my worth was based on external factors led me to seek validation and acknowledgment from others.

The result?

I became a people-pleaser and a perfectionist!

I constantly sought praise...proof of my worthiness. At work I took on more and more because I dare not disappoint anyone by saying No. I prioritised others over my own needs, so they would value me. I stayed silent when I wanted to speak, for fear of upsetting others. And I fixated on minor mistakes and flaws, obsessed with getting things just right.

People-pleasing and Perfectionism left me exhausted and drained, emotionally and physically.

So much of my time and energy went on 'sweating the small stuff', I often lost sight of the bigger picture, including my life-purpose.

I wonder if you find yourself perfecting and people-pleasing?

Hustling for your self-worth?

Trying to prove your value?

We are not alone!

I've had many conversations about worthiness and so many of us believe our value comes from something outside of us.

I now know it doesn't!

Since first hearing Brene Brown talk about worthiness, I've started to let go of people-pleasing and perfectionism.

It hasn't been easy!

I sometimes find myself reverting to old patterns of thinking and behaving. I start hearing the critical self-talk about not being good enough. The echoes from the past encourage me to measure my performance and to compare and compete. I'm tempted to let in the Perfection Gremlin!

Then I remind myself of how far I've come.

And I go back to my journal where I first captured what does not determine my self-worth! It's a pretty impressive list! I started it early in my coaching journey and it has served me well! It's a fabulous reminder that my worthiness is not dependent on anything external. I am worthy and of value as a human being just as I am.

I also talk gently to my inner critic and remind her what we have learnt about worthiness. Sometimes my inner critic gets into a bit of a state - usually when she is feeling tired or vulnerable. A gentle chat and some time for reflection is all it takes to soothe and calm her!

I'd love for you to try these two tips for yourself!

And let me know how you get on!

So - if you were to start a list of what does not determine your worthiness, what would be the first three things you put on the list?

And what would you say to your inner critic to calm and reassure her?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Warm regards

Khairun